Are You Giving Your Child Permission To Go In Alone, Or An Invitation To Join You?
I have been seeing something circulating online lately and I need to talk about it.
There is a trend making the rounds in swim and water safety spaces right now that goes something like this: teach your child to give you a high five before they enter the water. The idea is that the high five becomes a signal, a checkpoint, a moment of connection between parent and child before the child goes in.
And I want to be clear. I understand the intention behind it. I really do. Anything that gets parents thinking about creating a routine before a child enters the water is a step in the right direction.
But here is where I have to be honest with you, especially if you have a toddler or a young child who is not yet an independent, safe swimmer.
A high five is giving your child permission to go into water alone.
And that is not what we are going for…even if today they have floaties and you’re watching.
What we want, what we NEED, is an invitation to join YOU in the water.
A subtle, but life saving difference.
What Permission Looks Like
Permission says: you have checked in with me, and now you may go.
It puts the child at the edge of the water and sends them in. It creates a moment of independence at one of the most dangerous thresholds a young child can stand at.
I have watched this play out at pools countless times over my 35-plus years in this industry. A parent sets up a system, a word, a signal, a gesture. The child uses it. The parent feels good because a routine is happening. And then the child is in the water, alone, because the routine gave them the green light to go.
For a child who is a strong, independent swimmer? A check-in system can be appropriate.
For a toddler or preschooler? For a child who does not yet have the skills to save their own life in the water? Permission is dangerous. Even with the best intentions behind it.
What Invitation Looks Like
Invitation says: I am coming WITH you. We go in TOGETHER. You can JOIN me IN the water.
It keeps the adult in the equation every single time. It does not create a moment where the child is standing at the water's edge waiting for a green light to go in alone. It creates a moment where the child and the adult enter the water as a unit.
The child still learns to wait. That part does not change. WAITING is still the foundation of everything I teach. Where there is water, I will WAIT is not just a phrase in my program. It is THE life-saving principle.
But what the child is waiting FOR matters enormously.
Are they waiting for permission to go?
Or are they waiting for an invitation to join you, when you will be in the water TOGETHER?
For young children and toddlers, the answer must always be an INVITATION.
Why This Distinction Matters So Much
Young children lack discernment. That is not a criticism of them. It is simply how their brains work at this stage of development. They cannot reliably assess risk. They cannot read a situation and decide that today the water is safe and yesterday it was not. They do not understand that the floatie they wore last week at the pool does not mean they can jump into the neighbor's backyard pool.
What they CAN do, with consistent teaching and repetition, is learn a routine. They can learn about boundaries, when water is “Open” or “Closed. They can learn about rules that are in place to keep them safe.
If the routine they have been taught ends with them going in to water alone, that is the routine their brain will encode.
So when a moment comes where the system breaks down, when the excitement is too high, when no one is watching the way they should be, when the child is faster than anyone expected, that child's brain defaults to what it has practiced.
Going in.
But if the routine ends with an adult being in the water and INVITING them to JOIN them and always being in the water WITH them, that is what their brain encodes. Waiting. And then going in because they have been invited to join their adult. That is the muscle memory we want to build.
What This Looks Like in Practice
I want to make this practical for you because I know that is what you need.
For toddlers and preschoolers who are not yet independent swimmers, the routine should look something like this:
The child arrives near water and STOPS. Not because they have been told "no" but because they have been taught that they must wait. This can be reinforced with a physical waiting spot, a mat, a towel, a designated area that the child learns to return to every single time. The Waiting Whales Water Safety Kit was built specifically for this purpose.
Then the adult comes to them. Not the other way around. The adult comes to the edge, gets in to the water and then INVITES their child to join them at the edge of the pool. Only then, holding their child’s hand or their body, the child can enter the water and they will be in the water TOGETHER.
That is the invitation. Not a high five that says "go." A presence that says "I am here and we are doing this together."
It is a small shift in language. It is a massive shift in safety.
A Note for Parents of Neurodivergent Children
If you are raising a child with autism or another neurodivergent profile, this distinction is even more critical.
Children with autism are 160 times more likely to drown than their neurotypical peers. Many are prone to elopement and wandering. The attraction to water for sensory-seeking children can be intense and fast-moving.
A permission-based system assumes that the child will pause, remember the system, execute the check-in correctly, and wait for a response. For a neurotypical four-year-old on a calm day, that might work. For a child who is sensory-seeking, excited, or in an unfamiliar environment, that chain of steps can break down in seconds.
An invitation-based system removes that chain entirely. The child's job is simply to wait at their spot. The adult's job is to come to them. The adult is always the one who closes the distance and initiates entry. That is a much simpler, much more reliable routine for children who benefit from clear roles and consistent expectations.
The Bottom Line
I am not here to tell you that every water safety trend you see online is wrong. I am here to help you think critically about what you are implementing and why.
When you see a water safety strategy being shared, ask yourself one question:
At the end of this routine, where is my child and where am I?
If your child is at the water's edge waiting for your signal so they can go in, we need to rethink the routine.
If your child is at the water's edge waiting for YOU so you can go in together, that is the foundation we are building on.
Permission says go.
The invitation says come and join me, let’s go together.
For young children, there is only one right answer.
Ready to Build the Right Routines for Your Family?
The Waiting Whales Water Safety Kit gives you the physical tools to make waiting a consistent, visual, and even fun part of your child's water routine. It was designed specifically for young children and for families who want to teach water safety strategies the right way from the very beginning.
If you are raising a child with autism or navigating elopement concerns, the free Water Safety Emergency Plan at watersafetywithmissdayna.com/autism was built for you.
And if you want the full framework of strategies, The WATCHING Initiative walks you through all nine layers of protection, starting with the most important one.
Because the goal is not to keep your child away from water. The goal is to make sure that every single time they are near it, you are there with them.
Dayna Harvey is a water safety expert and swimming instructor certified since 1988. She is the founder of The WATCHING Initiative and creator of the Waiting Whales Water Safety Kit. Learn more at watersafetywithmissdayna.com.